confidence

No Big Deal: How to Know When to Let Something Go

Day 3: Self Confidence

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No Big Deal

I remember my mother in law saying these three words a lot.

She had a stroke in her 40s and eventually ended up in an alzheimers home with dementia.

She became a bit of a social butterfly there.

Going from room to room, visiting friends.

She seemed happy, although in her own world and often not able to remember the details of who we were.

She smiled a lot.

She said “no big deal” a lot.

I think sometimes it was prompted by the look of concern or worry on our faces.

I started then to really think about what that phrase means.

For me, I remember thinking it when something really was kinda a big deal. (Or at least a big deal to me)

As a way of not feeling disappointed. Because disappointment felt terrible.

Or as a way of reframing somthing that I perceived as “negative”.

As a way of avoiding the bad feeling that was sure to follow.

Sometimes when you have adhd tendencies, it can feel like you experience things differently than most people.

It can be hard to regulate emotions. We can tend to react quickly, overreact or make things mean something negative about us. We can take things personally. Be overly sensitive to criticism.

I used to ask myself “what is a big deal to most people? Is this a big deal to most people?

What does a typical day feel like to most people? What does planning feel like for most people?

Is this an appropriate reaction? Am I normal?”

Those questions were an attempt to make sure I fit the mold of being reasonable, acceptable. Fit in with what was expected.

When I’m trying to decide if something is a big deal to me or not, if I want to speak up or not, I use different questions now. Questions that feel more personal to me.

1) Is it a big deal to me, yes or no? Why?

2) Do I like my reason for speaking up?

3) What is my motivation behind speaking up?

Ultimately you’re the only one that can decide if something’s a big deal or not. That will vary from person to person.

What if there is not a “typical answer”? Or a correct response?

Guess what? There isn’t!

In the realm of people pleasing, there are times something will bother us and we will choose to speak up.

There are times something will bother us and we will choose not to speak up.

Both are ok as long as we’ve checked in with ourselves.

If we’re not speaking up because we don’t want to “rock the boat” we’re probably operating from a fearful place, and worrying about what others may think of us. We may want to notice that and decide if that’s really how we want to respond.

If we’re not speaking up because it is truly not worth our time and is actually not a big deal, we may like that reason and stay quiet, and just let it go.

If you find yourself feeling anxious from time to time, like you’ve got something to say but would rather not “cause a scene”, or step into a potential confrontation, it may be worth exploring.

If you’re afraid that what you want to say to someone may hurt their feelings, let’s talk. There’s another way and it feels so much better.

Book a 45 minute consultation using the button below and experience how coaching can help.

How To Feel Confident When You're Not Feeling Confident - Part II

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In Part I of How To Feel Confident When You’re Not Feeling Confident, we talked about the concept of using triggers or cues when we notice ourselves feeling afraid or nervous.

We looked at the types of things people do to try and trick their brains into believing that they are able to do something that feels impossible. Essentially, how to feel more confident in their abilities.

If you haven’t yet read Part I, you can find that post here.

Today let’s take a look at how we may be able to use this newfound knowledge and apply it in areas that we may feel insecure.

If we successfully use cues in one instance (put on red lipstick and dominate in a power lifting competition), how can we then use that same strategy in another instance? For example, believing that we are capable of creating the business that we want.

Many of my clients are entrepreneurial in nature. They have a side hustle, and a side hustle to their side hustle. They have skills and are figuring out ways to monetize those skills and offer them to the world. Starting a business requires you to feel confident. (Notice I didn’t say requires you to BE confident.)

It requires you to feel confident long enough to take the next step, no matter how uncomfortable it makes you.

I will be the first one to say, while I’ve figured out how to make just about any type of trip or vacation happen, I’ve noticed the process is not quite as smooth when it comes to other areas of my life.

Let’s take my coaching business for example.

I spent the first year of my coaching business offering pro-bono coaching, as a way to gain experience and quite honestly to feel more confident in my offering.

Let me be super clear here so the people in the back can hear…for over 250 hours I coached pro-bono. That means for free, yes free!

While I’m grateful for every hour of it and believe whole heartedly that it made me a much better coach today, the truth of the matter is, it just felt really hard to ask clients to pay for coaching. (Even though I myself had invested in coaching at twice the rate of what I was asking, and found it well worth it!)

I questioned my ability to provide results, I struggled with believing that it was possible for clients to want to pay me. I didn’t have past evidence that I could do it, therefore questioned whether I could. I struggled with believing and in hindsight wonder “what could have been my red lipstick in this scenario?”

Here are a few things that I’ve discovered that help me when I’m needing a boost of confidence:

  1. Mel Robbins #5secondrule - This has been a game changer for me! If I think long, I often think wrong. As an intuitive person I have learned that when an idea comes to me, no matter how outlandish it may seem, there’s usually something worth looking at. Counting down 5-4-3-2-1-GO has helped to keep me from second guessing myself. It also keeps my #recoveringpeoplepleasing ways at bay. I try not to allow time to worry about what others may think.

  2. Outer Accountability - I bring someone else into my plan. Speaking my commitment out loud and somehow tying it into a commitment to someone else is a good strategy for me. As an #obliger I have a tendency to show up for others way more than I tend to show up for myself. (I have been working on this, but am still very much a work in progress!)

  3. Pain factor - If I really want to get something done, I need to invest in it. I value money and don’t like to waste it. If I pay and purchase, I tend to follow through. (Just like purchasing a plane ticket.) Those dolla dolla bills are NOT going to waste.

  4. Take a look at my thoughts. They probably are not where they need to be. Thoughts that help me are:

    *I’m heading in the right direction and helping people along the way.

    *There are people that need what I have to offer and are ready to pay for it.

    *I saw the value in coaching, others will too.

    *Nothing can deflate me. I’m fearfully and wonderfully made.

Share your thoughts in the comments. I’d love to hear how you give yourself a pep talk and realign your mind to feel confident! What’s your red lipstick?! ~Shaun

How to Feel Confident When You're Not Feeling Confident: Part I

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Ahh, the magic of red lipstick!

I had the most interesting conversation this week with a client.

We were talking about how in certain areas, we both have established “cues” that we use to signal “game on”, “let’s do this” or “it’s time to leave it on the floor" (for my fellow dancers and cheerleaders at heart).

She is a power lifter and specifically when it’s time to compete, she puts on her red lipstick, hair up in a bun and that means “go” for her.

It causes her to think a thought that instantly has her feeling confident.

I have noticed that for me, when it comes to taking trips, whether it’s for vacation, or a trip to visit my sisters family back East, or a work conference, if and when I buy my plane ticket there’s no going back. Once I buy that ticket, it’s as good as done. My brain knows that I won’t purchase a plane ticket and waste it. I would never purchase the ticket and then just not go.

The plane ticket equates to a level of commitment for me. As soon as it’s purchased every cell in me knows “I’m going now” and believes it. I’m instantly confident in my ability to get myself on that plane and to whatever destination I’m headed to.

For my client, the red lipstick and bun (which are never worn in her everyday life) equate to a level of commitment for her. It signals to her brain that she’s not messing around.

I started to think of other situations where this might occur.

My husband is a big fan of baseball (Go Dodgers!). He often points out to me as we’re watching a game the quirks and habits that different players have. Something that they always do before they go up to bat, or something that is done before they leave the locker room.

You may think it’s superstition at work. But what if for them, it is more like a “cue” to their brain that it’s “go time”?! It’s like hitting the override switch.

Our minds are so very powerful and full of thoughts.

Our thoughts determine how we feel.

Our feelings determine the actions that we take.

Our actions determine our results.

Since our brains are wired to keep us safe and protect us, it often thinks thoughts that aren’t big enough for our goals.

People that feel confident are not just born that way. They have moments when they are not feeling confident too. They expect those moments and then are prepared and choose to hit the override switch and signal to their brain “let’s go”!

What if the cues that I mentioned above, were simply ways to intercept the small thoughts that won’t serve us, and instead put us into “big thought mode”?

What types of cues do you use? Share in the comments!