women adhd

Ever Felt Like You’re Walking On Eggshells?

Day 13: Eggshells

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Have you ever felt like you’re walking on eggshells?

Trying to behave a certain way so that someone else feels a certain way?

It can be exhausting.

I was in a relationship once where I thought that I could manage my boyfriends emotions by being and acting a certain way.

I thought that if I could anticipate what he was thinking and feeling, I could tell what would make him upset and do the opposite, so that he could be his best self.

The problem was, I then wasn’t being my best self.

I was altering my natural behavior to accommodate his behavior.

It was unfair to both of us.

I was not being true to myself.

I was not allowing him to grow into his best self.

It didn’t last.

Here’s the thing. You and only you, are responsible for how you feel.

You cannot delegate how you feel to someone else.

If they don’t do what you want them to do, you’ll feel bad.

When you are responsible for your own feelings, no matter what someone else does, you will be fine.

You can feel fine.

No matter what they say or think about you, it all works out.

They can be wrong about you.

They can be confused.

You know who you are.

Curious how that works?

Let’s talk.

~Shaun

Wanting More When You Already Have Enough

Day 12: Wanting

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Life's pretty good, I really don't have much to complain about.

My husband and I were in Starbucks one morning not too long ago, and while waiting in line we started chatting with the people around us. We were all talking about how the design of the location had recently changed and it's not as "user friendly" as it used to be. 

The layout is not as nice as it used to be.

The chairs are not as comfy.

The line wiggles through the middle of the seating area.

It just feels less welcoming.

Then we realized it was 11:05am, and they throw out the Blonde roast at 11am!
Oh no! My hubby and another woman next to us both panicked. Now what?! They were both there for the Blonde.

I glanced down to notice that I had chipped a nail (they had been done like 3 days before) and a button had fallen off my coat.

In that moment I laughed out loud, shaking my head and said "first world problems"...as much for me as for anyone. Truly, I have nothing to complain about. Really.

I remember exactly 12 years ago, on 2/27/07 my mom passed away. It was a difficult time for me. She and I had some sweet conversations and during one of them she expressed just how much she wanted just even one more day to spend with us. One more day to spend time with her grandchildren. It was the hardest part of knowing that she was dying.

From that conversation, I decided whenever I was feeling sorry for myself or wanting to complain, I'd remind myself that "somebody somewhere was taking their last breath." It was a reminder to appreciate what I had, and to remind me that there was always someone going through something much worse. 

I was given the gift of ongoing gratitude.

Looking back over the past 12 years, there were definitely times that little reminder came in handy. Times when it really didn't serve me to stay down in the doldrums. 

BUT,

and this is a big but. I also believe that life doesn't have to be awful for you to want more out of it. 

I believe that we are each fearfully and wonderfully made, and sent here with a purpose. If we have things in life that are preventing us from becoming fully who we are meant to be, we owe it to ourselves to explore those things and move those obstacles out of the way.

We are given this one life and we get one chance at living it.

If fear, confusion, procrastination or something that you're not even clear about is holding you back, and preventing you from becoming who you want to be, or from accomplishing what you want to accomplish, it doesn't have to be that way.

I remember when I found my way to my first coach, my primary thought was "I don't know if I even know what a typical day feels like for most people. I want to talk to someone about that." 

I literally told my first coach "I don't even know why I'm here, I just want more."

It felt important. I just wanted some clarity.

I reached out to someone. Booked a free consultation and I've been doing the work on myself ever since.

What I love about that is that as I continue to grow, I'm able to help more and more people. 

By showing up for myself first, I'm able to show up for others.

There is nothing that I would ask of a client that I wouldn't ask of myself.

Wanting, what is it that you want just because you want it?

What are you missing out on by letting that slide by?

Silence Suffering: When Quiet Makes You Uncomfortable

Day 5: Silence

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Today’s topic is one that I haven’t heard discussed very often.

I’ve decided to call it Silence Suffering. It sounds similar to silent suffering (when we suffer in silence.) That is when something is making us uncomfortable and we keep it to ourselves suffering in silence.

What I’m referring to is when the actual silence that can occur during a conversation makes you uncomfortable.

That feeling that you get while in the midst of a conversation and then suddenly the conversation runs dry…Often leaving an awkward pause or void to fill.

When you have adhd tendencies, it’s common to make the silence mean something something’s gone wrong.

Think about it, has this happened to you?

What is it that makes the silence so difficult to bear?

The next time it happens to you, here’s three tips to help you get through it.

1) Notice it - when you feel the quiet, welcome it. Notice the urge to fill the void. Pause. Allow the urge to talk to be there, but don’t talk. Let the other person say the next thing. (Unless of course they asked you a question! That would just be weird :-D)

2) Label it - Think to yourself “this is quiet.” Test it out like when you dip a toe into a pool to guage the temperature. See how you feel about it. What are you making the silence mean? Is it your job to manage the flow of the convo?

3) Listen - Use it as an opportunity to double down and build the skill of listening. Ask the other person a question, and allow them to speak for awhile. Be genuinely curious about them. Practice listening hard. A nice way to practice strengthening your focus muscle is to listen deliberately.

Tell me, have you experienced the discomfort of a quiet space in conversation. Do you rush in to fill it up by talking and talking and talking?

Why?

I’d love to hear more.

~Shaun