Thoughts of a Watcher

Past job. What happened? Drama. What’s your drama?

All I know is…

It felt like I sold my soul. I was the living version of The Devil Wears Prada.

My boss even said so. Laughed about it.

For a long time, my thoughts were: She just doesn’t trust me yet. See me yet. Know me yet. I am different. I am loyal. I am committed. I am ride or die. How dare she?

I know how to do tough things. I will rise above. I will be the bigger person. I will not let this get to me. Who does this? How can someone be so unaware? Are they unaware? Is this malicious? Why is it familiar? Why does it have the same vibration of a dysfunctional relationship? Why do I stay? What do I get from this?

Approval. Proof.

That I am tough and can withstand anything. I can do the impossible.

I’ll show her…why? What do I need to prove?

If I can do this, I can do anything.

How is this good for me?

I am stubborn. I don’t like to be wrong.

It’s ok to be wrong. It’s ok to be wrong, even when you’re not. People are allowed to think and believe whatever they want to about me.

I know my heart. I know my intentions.

Expectations were high, I thrived. Expectations were impossible, I died. Inside.

I made it mean I was weak. I was a quitter.

Was I?

I was questioned “Are you sure? You’ve tried to leave before.”

Victim blaming. Was I a victim? In my mind, at the time, yes.

Lightweight.

Now I have rewritten the story.

And so it begins. A new day, a new thought.

Past job. What happened? Drama, lots of it. But now it’s math, just math.

What’s my drama? Indulging in confusion.

It’s a thing of the past.

I choose clarity. I choose truth.

What I know now is…

I was an emotional child. I was a people pleaser, a liar.

I looked outside of myself for validation. I looked up for validation.

I didn’t look within for validation.

I did the best I could with what I knew at the time.

I stepped in line and filled my role. Beyond filled my role.

I am trustworthy.

I am loyal.

I am committed.

I am all ride, no die!

I know how to do tough things.

I will rise up.

I will make room for all thoughts…theirs, mine. Ours.

I will allow others to be who they are, because they are beautiful too. Oh yeah, also because it’s not in my control to do otherwise. I will choose to see the bits of beauty. It’s always there.

Something doesn’t feel good. That’s ok.

What is it?

I stayed because I was supposed to. It was a stepping stone towards a better me.

What did I get?

All that I needed, and then I left. Peacefully.

What did I give? All that I had, and then learned I will always have more.

I can do anything. No proof needed.

How was it good for me?

It must’ve been, because it happened.

I can be wrong. I am wrong. Often.

What is wrong?

High expectations felt like growth. Impossible expectations felt like fire. But are fine.

Until they’re not.

I’m free to choose where I want to spend my time and with whom.

I am strong and chose to stop…

…the drama.

No victim here.

Someone who chose to stay and then to go.

That is all.

So what happened you ask?

I worked and grew and left and grew some more.

What’s my drama you ask?

Yesterday was money, today is lack of time and tomorrow, who knows.

All I know is…

I’m getting better at math.

 

*This is a result of the work I've done in Brooke Castillo's Self Coaching Scholars program. So, so good. Take a look at: https://thelifecoachschool.com/