The Three Assumptions


filipe-almeida-255155-unsplash.jpg



Let’s talk about relationships for a minute.

I’ve been married 27 years.

Pretty early in our marriage we went through round one of marriage counseling.

We didn’t have much money, had young children, and I was pretty sure we weren’t going to make it without some drastic intervention.

To be honest, at least once a month I was at my wit’s end. I was done. I was tired of things feeling hard and bad, so much of the time.

I was young (19 when we met).

He was older than me (by 13 years).

He had been married before and had kids already.

Not to mention our personalities were (and still are), polar opposites. Which was super fun at first (and then quickly became super hard).

We are in many ways as opposite as opposites can be. Still. Today.

Anyway, back to the counseling…

We went to see a counselor that I believe we found through the City of Pleasant Hill. They offered a sliding fee scale. That was why we picked them.

I don’t remember much from those sessions, but I remember one thing that the counselor taught us that has been EVERYTHING.

They were called The Three Assumptions.

I wish I could remember the name of the counselor that shared them with us. I am forever grateful.

For some reason, this tool that they taught us stuck with me.

I typed the assumptions up and they moved with us 16 times over the next 23 years.

Every time we put our stake in the ground in a new home, the assumptions got posted in my closet.

They were simple but profound for me.

  1. The assumption to stick together and work things out.

  2. The intention of good will.

  3. The assumption that my partner can and wants to understand me.

They seem kinda basic now, but at the time made all the difference.

  • If we don’t know, that as a couple, our intention is to stick together and work things out, why try? Why put in the effort if you think the other person may just bolt? Intention number 1 was about commitment.

  • If we don’t come from the place of knowing that we intend nothing but good will for each other, decided and stated when we are at our best, why trust each other through the worst? Intention number 2 was about unconditional love.

  • If we don’t think that our partner can and wants to understand us, why bother? Why not just throw in the towel ahead of time and give up. Intention 3 was about communication.

Commitment Unconditional Love Communication

Three simple words wrapped in a tiny lesson, that has been tape to my closet wall in so many different places.

I remember times when it was all I could do to go to my closet, read those assumptions, drop to my knees, pray, choose to believe them (the three assumptions) and get right back at it.

I read them much less now, but see them every now and then from the corner of my eye, taped to my closet wall.

A gentle reminder.

~Shaun

If you’re struggling in a relationship let’s talk. Whether you or your partner have ADHD, there are things that can help you feel better immediately. It only takes one person to improve the whole relationship. I’d love to share with you what I’ve learned and how it’s helped us.

Click here to set up a time that works for you. ~Shaun



Mother May I? Stop Waiting for Permission to Go After Your Dreams

xu-haiwei-770074-unsplash.jpg

Do you remember playing the game Mother May I as a kid?

The goal was to be the first child to cross the finish line (pass mother) and win the game!

Supposedly, the goal of a good mother or father was to bring everyone forward as equally as possible. I clearly remember times when favoritism played a role, and the game was more about who you knew, not equal progression for all.

In the game, one person would be the “mother” and she’d be at the front, living large and in charge. The rest of us, “the children” would watch her closely and hope to hear our name called so that we could ask permission to move forward. She’d either grant the permission or she’d say “no you may not” and offer an alternative. If you accidentally moved while waiting your turn, you would be sent back to the starting line.

Consider some of the beliefs that may have been reinforced as a child simply by playing a game:

•there’s someone else in charge

•permission is required to move forward

•the power does not belong to you

•good people ask permission and wait

•patience is how you play the game

•winners wait their turn

•it’s best to follow the rules

•there are rules

•fairness is the goal

Some of these beliefs may be so deeply ingrained in you, you may still believe them. If so they may be holding you back. They may have helped you win as a kid, but as an adult they can be major progress blockers. 

Question everything.

Think for yourself. 

Consider this, what if...

There is no other human in charge of your life. It’s all you.

Only you can choose you. Waiting to be picked will keep you in the same place with the exact same results.

You do not need permission to be you. From anyone. Period. Ever.

You are powerful. You have the ability to think and choose and create. 

Patience is not the only way. You can question the game.

Life is not a game. This is not a practice run. Make all the mistakes you want and learn from them. Time stops for no one. 

Don’t be fooled into thinking you have forever to figure things out perfectly and THEN finally get started going after what you want. Get started now and figure things out as you go. 

Get sent back to start a few times, at least you’ll know what to do differently the next time.

If you wait for your turn to come it may never come. Go after what it is that you want with abandon. 

Continue the course until you get what you’re after, or something better.

When it comes to going after what you want, there are no rules. You get to make them. You get to decide.

Your dreams = your rules

You are fearfully and wonderfully made. The Creator of the Universe is waiting for you to stand up and do what you are meant to do. 

There is nobody else. 

It’s all you.

Stop waiting for permission.

 ~Shaun

Do you have some old beliefs that you’d like to take a look at? Book a free 45 min. mini-session with me and see how coaching can help you move in the right direction.


The Curse of Indulgent Emotions: How You're Creating Mental Stress

Confusion, Overwhelm, Doubt, Worry, Exhaustion and Busyness, are emotions that we indulge in far too often.

What do I mean by indulge?

We choose to feel them, because they keep us from feeling things that we imagine will be far worse.

The definition of indulge is, “to allow oneself to enjoy the pleasure of.” Wait what?

We don’t enjoy the pleasure of worry or staying busy…or do we?

These indulgent emotions have a way of making us feel like we’re doing something productive and important in the short run, when truthfully, they are keeping us from achieving the results that we want in our lives.

That is why they are indulgent, they cost us our dreams.

Have you ever felt super busy and then arrived at the end of your day with nothing really important to show for it?

The busyness took over. It can feel like you’re taking massive action. When in reality you’re staying busy doing a whole lot of not much.

And what about worry? This sums it up pretty well.

" Worrying is a lot like a rocking chair, 
it gives you something to do, but it gets you nowhere. "

GLENN TURNER

Take a look at this short video I made that takes a closer look at how indulgent emotions may show up in our lives.