ADHD and Missing the Mark

Day 8: Expectations

Photo by AndrewJShearer/iStock / Getty Images

How many times have you set your ambition towards reaching a goal and come up short?

Felt like you worked your tail off and missed the mark?

Then become discouraged and quit because of thoughts like:

• I’ll never get it right

• I gave it my best shot and it still wasn’t good enough

• I’ve done all that I can do. It’s just not meant to be.

• It’s just different for me. There must be something wrong with me since everyone else is able to do it.

• I’m at my max. capacity. I don’t have anything left to give.

• I don’t know what else I can do.

• I’ll never figure this out.

Here’s what I know about ADHD tendencies. We can hit something new that we’re excited about hard and fast.

Some of the most hard working, dedicated people I know have adhd tendencies. They (ahem, we) have this ability to give it 150% and hyperfocus when they’re excited about the possibility of something new. The potential of something working out, and coming to fruition is intoxicating.

We are full of amazing ideas.

When something doesn’t work out as we imagined, we can lose steam quickly. We can have a tendency to throw in the towel and move on to something more interesting.

Let me ask you this.

What if your ablility to “succeed”, or see something all the way through to what you imagined was possible was solely based on your commitment to stick it out?

What if the only thing that was “off” was our expectation of how much time something should take? (By the way, time blindness is a thing. ADDitutde Magazine defines it as “being unaware of the ticking of time”.

What if what we thought should take 1 month should actually take 1 year?

What if securing 1 new client took 100 offers, instead of 10?

What if cleaning a house took 8 hours instead of 1?

What if graduating from college took 8 years instead of 4?

(Ok confession, for this last example, there are some things that society has suggested. For example typically k-12 = 13 years of schooling…BUT (and this is a big but), for some people it will take 16…and what if that were ok?

What do you make it mean when you miss the intended mark?

What do you make it mean when you thought your business would be full blown up and running and full of customers within 2 years and it’s not? If you make it mean it’s not working, or you’re incapable, you may quit.

What if 3 years was the magic number for you? If you had just continued on for another year you would have realized your dream.

What if it just meant your expectations were just off? Like when your clock is not keeping the correct time. It’s just a technical problem. You reset and adjust the clock. You don’t think it was your fault the clock was wrong.

When we miss the mark, literally, we can have a tendency to think we didn’t even make it on the board.

What if, like in the picture above, we were justs barely off the mark?

What if we were right there and so, so close? Just one more throw away from hitting the target?

One of my go to thoughts when something doesn’t happen as quickly as I expected is, “oh, my expectations were off. Good to know.”

That’s it. End of story. Carry on.

That’s what happens when you decide to commit and stick with something no matter what.

In my experience that is the biggest challenge to overcome when you have adhd tendencies.

Why?

Because there is always something newer and shinier waiting in the wings.

We believe we have very, VERY high expectations of ourselves. We will knock ourselves out doing the thing. Then we believe our brains when they say it’s impossible because we did all we could.

What if we had more in us? What if the missing link was not effort but persistence, consistency. What if the high expectations we had of ourselves just weren’t quite high enough? It took a little more.

What if the ability to constrain your focus to what you chose in the first place, long enough for the shiney object to pass you by, was where dreams were made?

Have a fantastic weekend! ~Shaun

If we haven’t jumped on a 45-minute consultation call yet, why not?! What are you waiting for? Seriously. It’s my goal to give 150% to each and every consult I jump on. (Seriously, it’s what we adhd’ers do) I love people, love talking adhd and sharing resources. My goal with every consult is to help you gain some clarity. Of course if it’s a good fit, I would love to work with you as your coach. But it’s never the driving factor. I am not invested in getting you to say yes to coaching. I’m super invested in getting you to a place where you say yes or no and like your reason. I want to help shift those that are ready to shift. If that’s not you, it’ll just be a helpful call where you gain some clarity that you may not have had. I promise.

Book today and let’s see where it takes us.

Other People's Opinions: When Praise Makes You Soar and Criticism Makes You Cry

Day 7: Opinions

What is it about other people’s opinions of us that can have us all up in our heads or coddling our hearts?

There’s a part of us that believes them.

We don’t have rock solid beliefs about ourselves and so when someone else, especially someone we admire shares their beliefs about us we pay attention and give it more weight then it’s worth.

We latch on to what they say. We make it mean something really really good about us or really really bad about us.

When they rave about how amazing we are, it feels good because for a minute we believe we are amazing.

When they criticize us and tear us down, it feels awful because we believe them. Some part of us believes that what they’re saying must be true.

What if we decided to believe what we want to believe about ourselves?

What if we decided to believe that we are amazing no matter what?

Here’s three things to keep in mind about other people’s opinions of you:

1) They are never really about you. They are about the person sharing the opinion. They have all sorts of thoughts about you. So will the next person. And the next person. Guess what? Those opinions will vary. People like what they like for their own reasons. It has nothing to do with you. You may remind them of someone that they don’t like. You may remind them of someone that they love dearly and miss. Really, it’s not about you.

2) Their opinions of you are none of your business. When you’re busy being you, you won’t have the time or desire to try and figure out what someone else is thinking about you. Why spend time trying to guess what’s in their brain? There’s no reason to want to know their opinion about you because they’re allowed to have their own thoughts. They have the right to think whatever they want to think about you. This is a beautiful thing! It means you get to form your own opinions as well. Just because!

3) Let them be wrong about you. It’s ok for others to be wrong about you. If you’re not believing their story about you, over your story about you, there’s not a problem. The problem begins when you believe what they think more then what you think. If their opinion is bothering you, ask yourself why? Is it because you agree with them? Embrace it if so. Why resist something that has some truth in it?

ADHD and Making Waves: How To Speak Up Without Rocking The Boat

Day 6: Speak Up

There are so many times in my life that I’ve opted to keep my mouth shut, rather then speak up.

Why?

Because I didn’t want to rock the boat.

A calm lake was my cup of tea. Smooth sailing, no ripples. I didn’t want to make waves.

I often chose to stay quiet…

if a meal came out and it wasn’t how I ordered it.

when I disagreed with my husband about something

if a boss asked me to do something that I really didn’t have the bandwith to do

at one of many home parties that I attended when I really didn’t want to buy anything but felt obligated to

when I didn’t like the way my nails were done

if I disagreed with a popular opinion

during a discussion when the other person’s energy was stronger than mine

In all of these instances the action that I chose was INaction. I chose to do nothing. (Which by the way is still doing something.)

The feeling that drove my inaction was typically fear.

Fear of what the other person may think. Fear of appearing rude. Fear of losing status in the other person’s eyes. Fear of being perceived a certain way. Fear of seeming unreasonable. Fear of appearing ridiculous. Fear of rejection. Fear of sounding dumb. Fear of where the conversation may end up (Not sure where, but for sure somewhere bad!).

So much fear.

I’d often tell myself I was taking “the higher road”. Like there is such a thing.

What if there is just truth or untruth?

We’re either telling the truth or we’re not. We’re either lying or we’re not.

When we lie to ourselves so that it’s easier to lie to others, the price is high. We stop respecting ourselves.

We compromise our integrity. We hold others in higher regard than we hold ourselves. The problem with that is that it’s often a lie too.

The only way to authentically love others is to authentically love ourselves.

When we love ourselves flaws and all, and are willing to listen to what we have to say and think, and hold the space for our opinion to be one of many valuable opinions…we then open up to loving others, flaws and all, listening to what they have to say and think, and then holding the space for their thoughts to also be one of many valuable opinions in the world.

The exchange can then become honest and true and loving vs fake and false and manipulative.

It will take a bit of bravery on our part. Are you up for it? ~Shaun

Oh and ps…about that title…there’s no way to speak up and guarantee that you won’t rock someone’s boat. How someone feels is completely on them. You can’t control it at all. So speak up and trust that they will be able to take care of themselves.

If you consider yourself a people pleaser and would like to learn another way to interact with others I’d love to talke with you. When you discover who it is you want to be, how to show up and be that person, a weight is lifted. So much time and energy is wasted when we overthink how to respond, what others might think, and why they might think it. Jump on a call with me by clicking the button below and booking a free consultation. If you’re ready for change in your life let’s do it! Coaching can help get you from where you are to where you want to be. It gets you looking at what’s possible for your future vs what’s probable based on your past.