Being Reasonable is Overrated

“The reasonable man adapts himself to the world: the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.

”

— George Bernard Shaw, Man and Superman

Let's think about this...I've considered myself to be a fairly reasonable person most of my life. A few of my core values are fairness, justice and equality. I'm now thinking being reasonable is overrated. Why? Because what I hadn't considered, was WHY I strove to be reasonable. So that others would like me.

Some of the beliefs that I held were; 

• reasonable people appear sane and in control of their emotions
• reasonable people will be appreciated more
• reasonable people are more mature
• who doesn't want to be the "voice of reason"? The person that can help to bring clarity to a situation
• reasonable people are less difficult and make it easier on others

Truth be told, that all sounds fairly noble and like it's coming from a good place. But what if it wasn't? What if it was coming from a fearful place? What if the truth also sounded like this:

• what will people think if I'm upset and out of control?
• I want people to like me, I don't want to cause trouble or make waves
• I can be immature...acting reasonable will hide that
• I want to feel admired and valued
• I will act how others want me to, so they are happy with me  
• I must influence the way that people feel about me by acting as expected

What then? Where do I go with those thoughts? What are my new beliefs going to be?

Here's what I know now, my old beliefs served me at the time. They helped me to feel safe because of what I thought "being reasonable" meant. I also know that I was confused. I prided myself on being chameleon-like and having the ability to fit into just about any social situation. I messed up a bunch, in fact, all the time, but at the very least I was kind and reasonable. It became my go-to way of being. It worked with teachers, parents, friends, even my spouse. I mean, who could argue with kindness and reasonableness? There are worse things. 

I also know that those beliefs no longer serve me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not on a mission to be mean, but I am on a mission to be a bit unreasonable. I am on a mission to usher in progress. I want to make a difference and being reasonable is not the pathway to where I'm headed. Being fully me is. 

Here is what I now choose to believe:

• Reasonable people are not the change-makers
• It takes a bit of being unreasonable to see something greater than what currently is 
• Be unreasonable, ask for what is needed, the worst that can happen is the answer will be no

It takes all types, one is not better than the other, just different. We must choose the way we want to be, in any given situation and then really like our "why".

For growth, choose the one that feels the least comfortable for you and then try that on for a while. Let me know how it goes.

Rewritten Story

and so it begins...

Past job. Past relationship. What happened? Drama. What’s your drama?

All I know is…

It felt like I sold my soul. I was the living version of The Devil Wears Prada.

My bosses even said so. Laughed about it.

For a long time, my thoughts were: She just doesn’t trust me yet. See me yet. Know me yet. I am different. I am loyal. I am committed. I am ride or die. How dare he?

I know how to do tough things. I will rise above. I will be the bigger person. I will not let this get to me. Who does this? How can someone be so unaware? Are they unaware? Is this malicious? Why is it familiar? Why does it have the same vibration of a dysfunctional relationship? Why do I stay? What do I get from this?

Approval. Proof.

That I am tough and can withstand anything. I can do the impossible.

I’ll show them…why? What do I need to prove?

If I can do this, I can do anything.

How is this good for me?

I am stubborn. I don’t like to be wrong.

It’s ok to be wrong. It’s ok to be wrong, even when you’re not. People are allowed to think and believe whatever they want to about me.

I know my heart. I know my intentions.

Expectations were high, I thrived. Expectations were impossible, I died. Inside.

I made it mean I was weak. I was a quitter.

Was I?

I was questioned “Are you sure? You’ve tried to leave before.”

Victim blaming. Was I a victim? In my mind, at the time, yes.

Lightweight.

Now I have rewritten the story.

And so it begins. A new day, a new thought.

Past job. Past relationship. What happened? Drama, lots of it. But now it’s math, just math.

What’s my drama? Indulging in confusion.

It’s a thing of the past.

I choose clarity. I choose truth.

What I know now is…

I was an emotional child. I was a people pleaser, a liar.

I looked outside of myself for validation. I looked up for validation.

I didn’t look within for validation.

I did the best I could with what I knew at the time.

I stepped in line and filled my role. Beyond filled my role.

I am trustworthy.

I am loyal.

I am committed.

I am all ride, no die!

I know how to do tough things.

I will rise up.

I will make room for all thoughts…theirs, mine. Ours.

I will allow others to be who they are, because they are beautiful too. Oh yeah, also because it’s not in my control to do otherwise. I will choose to see the bits of beauty. It’s always there.

Something doesn’t feel good. That’s ok.

What is it?

I stayed because I was supposed to. It was a stepping stone towards a better me.

What did I get?

All that I needed, and then I left. Peacefully.

What did I give? All that I had, and then learned I will always have more.

I can do anything. No proof needed.

How was it good for me?

It must’ve been, because it happened.

I can be wrong. I am wrong. Often.

What is wrong?

High expectations felt like growth. Impossible expectations felt like fire. But are fine.

Until they’re not.

I’m free to choose where I want to spend my time and with whom.

I am strong and chose to stop…

…the drama.

No victim here.

Someone who chose to stay and then to go.

That is all.

So what happened you ask?

I worked and grew and left and grew some more.

What’s my drama you ask?

Yesterday was money, today is lack of time and tomorrow, who knows.

All I know is…

I’m getting better at math.

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